 How a Cheerleader Changed My Life Mrs. Kendall glanced down again at her new seating chart. “Jill, behind Debbie,” she called. I groaned silently to myself as I got up as inconspicuous as I could, which probably made me more noticeable. I picked up my backpack and social studies book, and moved to the indicated seat with my head down. I could feel the eyes of the whole class on me as I walked to my new assignment.  I sat down, placed my backpack on the floor and studied my desk. Not too many gouge marks.
Debbie turned around in her chair and said, “Hi, Jill.” She smiled warmly. “Are you ashamed of yourself?” I looked up in surprise that Debbie would speak to me. Startled at the unexpected question, I searched for a response. “Yeah, I guess so.” “Why?” she asked. “You walked over here like you’re afraid of being seen, but you’re really pretty, and I know you’re smart. Why are you ashamed?” “I’m too skinny, and my clothes don’t fit. I know I'm ugly. This skirt used to be Katie Mathew’s, and her mom gave it to me, but it’s too big. I’m a little worried it might fall off.” Debbie’s light laugh was kind and her long, blond curls bounced. “It won’t fall off,” she said, “I can tell your hips will keep it up. You have a tiny waist, so it’s a little baggy, but I think you’re safe. And really, you should hold your head up when you walk. You have a nice smile. I was shocked and embarrassed to hear her compliment me, and hardly knew what to do. I think I squirmed and rejected each one she offered, but as I walked home from school that day, I reflected over and over. My self-esteem was so low, I wondered what she could have meant. She was a popular cheerleader and so pretty! Why would she talk to me like that? Over the semester, Debbie often greeted me and asked how my day was going. We also had PE together and she looked amazing in her gym uniform (we called them monkey suits). They were one-piece knitted maroon shorts and striped maroon and white shirt that zipped up the front. The uniform hung loosely on me, and I was self-conscious. Debbie made a point to hang out with me anyway, and included me in her group. It took me years of concentrated effort to ditch the embarrassment of being me, continually surrounded by people who put me down, but occasionally buoyed up by people like Debbie. By graduation from high school, I was confident, unashamed, and dating. I never forgot my junior high friend who reached out to me and made all the difference. Who’s your hero?
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 Never Go to Bed MAD!
I got a bunch of crazy wedding advice from my best friends! Well meaning, thoughtful, sincere lies. I’m sure you’ve also heard most of them. A good relationship must be based on trust. Always take your arguments to the bedroom. You should be on the same page when disciplining children. Never go to bed angry. Good communication is essential in every relationship. These are all lovely ideas that have possibly worked for some people, but what makes advice “good?” I vote on the part where it serves to improve your life or increase your emotional wellness. If well-intended advice isn’t helping you, ditch it! (Including this advice). I stayed up way too late way too many nights trying to avoid going to bed angry. The problem was, I was angry. Schizophrenia isn’t something you can reason your way through. Even conceding that I was wrong usually didn’t appease him. And the more we tried to communicate or work out our problem, the worse it got, until I went for a drive (or a walk) in the middle of the night. Way worse than going to bed mad. I missed out on a LOT of sleep! I wonder how many of you lose sleep because the wheels won’t stop turning. All the expectations you have, or you think others have might be lies that you need to question. I had developed a belief that Joe and I should solve our differences, kiss, make up, and fall into blissful sleep in each other’s arms, never going to bed mad. There’s NOTHING wrong with that scenario, and if it works for you, do it! However, if that belief or any other one isn’t helping, ask yourself some questions to see if you want to keep it or toss it. The problem with the five beliefs about marriage I listed is that they each contain an “absolute” word. The last one uses two.
What beliefs have you adopted about caregiving aren’t serving you and your loved one? Take a few moments to notice your thoughts during the next few days. Write down some beliefs or ideas that don’t work for you and share them with other caregivers to support each other. I’d love to hear about your experiences with advice, beliefs, and thoughts. When I learned these tools, it made a world of change for me as a caregiver and in my marriage to Joe. Stay connected with news and updates! Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates from our team. Don't worry, your information will not be shared. |
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