Worst Newlywed Advice Ever

Apr 15, 2022

Never Go to Bed MAD!

I got a bunch of crazy wedding advice from my best friends! Well meaning, thoughtful, sincere lies.

I’m sure you’ve also heard most of them.

  • A good relationship must be based on trust.
  • Always take your arguments to the bedroom.
  • You should be on the same page when disciplining children.
  • Never go to bed angry.
  • Good communication is essential in every relationship.

These are all lovely ideas that have possibly worked for some people, but what makes advice “good?”

I vote on the part where it serves to improve your life or increase your emotional wellness.

If well-intended advice isn’t helping you, ditch it! (Including this advice).

I stayed up way too late way too many nights trying to avoid going to bed angry. The problem was, I was angry. Schizophrenia isn’t something you can reason your way through. Even conceding that I was wrong usually didn’t appease him.

And the more we tried to communicate or work out our problem, the worse it got, until I went for a drive (or a walk) in the middle of the night. Way worse than going to bed mad.

I missed out on a LOT of sleep! I wonder how many of you lose sleep because the wheels won’t stop turning. All the expectations you have, or you think others have might be lies that you need to question.

I had developed a belief that Joe and I should solve our differences, kiss, make up, and fall into blissful sleep in each other’s arms, never going to bed mad.

There’s NOTHING wrong with that scenario, and if it works for you, do it!

However, if that belief or any other one isn’t helping, ask yourself some questions to see if you want to keep it or toss it.

The problem with the five beliefs about marriage I listed is that they each contain an “absolute” word. The last one uses two.

  • Must
  • Always
  • Should
  • Never
  • Essential
  • Every

I’ll let you rewrite those beliefs in your head without the “absolute” words. You can replace them with helpful substitutes:

  • Often
  • Might
  • Sometimes
  • Perhaps
  • Can
  • Some

Even the words “most” and “usually” are more helpful than absolutes.

What beliefs have you adopted about caregiving aren’t serving you and your loved one? Take a few moments to notice your thoughts during the next few days. Write down some beliefs or ideas that don’t work for you and share them with other caregivers to support each other.

I’d love to hear about your experiences with advice, beliefs, and thoughts.

When I learned these tools, it made a world of change for me as a caregiver and in my marriage to Joe.

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